Coming Unmoored

Since life has settled down for me somewhat in New Mexico, I’ve been starting to focus on shedding the fifteen or so pounds I gained over the course of my relationship with David.

I haven’t been terribly motivated to fight lately. Especially since my right hip, knee, and foot are still all in various phases of recovering from injuries. So I’ve been hunting for other forms of exercise I can enjoy.

I joined a local gym in Albuquerque that I like and I’ve been doing a combination of yoga and pilates to try to recover some of my flexibility and core strength. But I really needed to find something cardio to add to the mix.

My gym has a pretty good Nia program and Albuquerque also has an independent Nia studio called “Sway”. I’d seen vague references to Nia in the past, but didn’t know a whole lot about it. When I missed one of my yoga classes due to a conference call that ran over, I fortuitously decided to poke my head into the Nia class that came after and was hooked.

I’ve been describing Nia to Charlie as “hippy aerobics” but that doesn’t really do it justice. It’s more a form of dance with a lot of emphasis on the individual doing what feels good to their body on a given day. It’s definitely not your typical aerobics class with a bunch of leotard-clad perfect bodies marching in lockstep. It’s a lot more fluid than that. Most of the classes have felt less like exercise to me than being silly and dancing around in my living room to music I love when no one’s watching.

The couple of instructors whose classes I attend are all the kind of groovy, free-spirited, bohemian chicks I’d admire and enjoy spending time with. The women who attend the classes are also a marvelous eclectic mix. You get everything from dance majors at the local U to pink-haired painters in their sixties. It’s great fun.

Aside from being great exercise, one thing Nia is teaching me is just how rigid I am in my body. I just cannot move and flow to the music the way a lot of the women in my classes can. I feel as rigid and creaky as the Tin Man in the Wizard of OZ prior the much-needed can of oil.

I watch the other women, and the teachers in particular during class. There’s a type of fluidness to these women that I sorely covet and aspire to. And I don’t think it’s just about performing better in class.

I’m missing limberness and ease in my life. And I want to figure out how to find it.

”Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
–Anonymous

I’ve been pretty stressed and moody lately. And, until last week, I’ve been confused about why I’ve been feeling that way.

I mean, my life is in a much better place than it was this time last year, and REALLY in a better place than it was two years ago. This is supposed to be my “Happily Ever After”, dammit. What do /I/ have to be stressed about?

Well, for starters, there have been a hell of a lot of changes for me in a short period of time. I was in a rocky relationship and had an ugly divorce. Now I’m trying to date someone new. I’ve moved from Tucson, a place I really liked. Now I’m in a holding pattern in New Mexico while I try to finish making my place habitable in Portland. And it’s taking a lot longer to accomplish that than I anticipated. I don’t put down roots easily and it’s difficult to know how many I should be putting down in Albuquerque.

I’ve started a new job that I really like. But there’s also a lot of pressure on me to perform. Not to mention, it’s been stressful just trying to hunt down the basic supplies I need to do my job. It seems like half were shipped to Portland and half to Tucson. I’m spending an insane amount of time on the phone trying to explain to people why they need to be re-sent to Albuquerque—from a phone with a Dallas area code.

I miss my friends. I miss my stuff, which is all stowed away in storage up in Portland. My life feels like a fragmented mess spread across four geographic locations. I’ve just been in a real funk.

I finally broke down a week ago and called my former-rockstar-groupie counselor, Chris, who I adore. Chris has been through some pretty spectacularly ugly times in her own life. (Chris ran with the Patti Boyd, Beatles, Eric Clapton, Rolling Stone crowd for about a decade of her life and has had two rocker husbands of her own before she cleaned up her act, went back to school, and got her masters.) I value her for both her wisdom and sense of humor.

Whatever drama I might be having in my life, odds are good she’s experienced it some point in her own—and with far more drama and Technicolor than my own.

Chris reminded me that if I were to look at my life on one of those “Life Event Stress” scales, I’m pretty close to being off the end of the chart… divorce, new relationship, new job, new house, (two) out-of-state moves, significant change in social activities/recreation, etc.

That explained the stress part to me, but not the deep emotional funk. Some of my mood could be related to stress. But this has felt a lot more like I’ve been sulking because I don’t have what I want/expected.

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in “limbo” in New Mexico. This was not what I intended to be my new home. I want “limbo” to be over so I can get on with my visions for the next phase of my life. And that ain’t happening anywhere near on the schedule I would like.

Anyway, shortly after my call with Chris, I stumbled across the quote at the top of this entry, and the rest of the picture clicked into place. Life has definitely felt like one long storm for me over the last year or so, and I feel sorely overdue for some sunny weather.

However, all things considered, things really aren’t so bad. They’re just not what I anticipated. My current choices are to continue to stew in a moody funk until I get what I thought I was going to. Or I can look up and make an effort to appreciate what I do have.

As much as it may feel like it, this isn’t limbo. These are hours of my life. And my choice is whether I wish to spend them sulking or dancing.

Dancing sounds like a lot more fun.

So, it’s been a little while since I posted an entry. This has been a combination of being focused on getting up-to-speed with my new job and, frankly, because I’ve kind of been stuck in construction limbo-land.

The float rebuild is done on my house, which is good news. I still have to finish sealing in the boatwell before I can move in, however. And I’ve just exhausted my readily-available cash for the project. Having to completely re-do the electrical and plumbing set me back in my planned budget for renovations.

I’m trying hard to do everything with the house on a cash basis rather than using credit. I REALLY like owning my house outright. So, now, it’s a question of letting my shiny new paycheck catch up with the new round of contractor fees. My paycheck on the 15th covered the last of the boatwell. My paycheck at the end of the month should cover the money down to get the new contractor rolling on the boatwell.

I’m just a bit grumpy and more than a little down that things are taking longer than I would like. I had been hoping to be in my place by now. By the time all the construction is done, odds are good I’ll have missed the prettiest part of the summer.

Plus, since starting my new job, I’ve been pretty much handing 95% of my paycheck over to contractors. My income looks great on paper but, man, am I living frugally right now. I’ll be really glad when I’m through the Money Pit part of owning my new place. Charlie has been great about letting me crash at his place but I’d also really like to give him his space back as soon as I can.

On the more upbeat side, I really am enjoying my new job. It’s nice to be using my brain again and I feel well-suited for the position. I’m also profoundly grate that the position pays well and my boss is extremely flexible about where and when I work just so long as things get done. The universe cut me a real break with my new job.

All in all, life is okay. I’m just restless to get on with moving in to my new place and making it an actual home.