Coming Unmoored

”Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
–Anonymous

I’ve been pretty stressed and moody lately. And, until last week, I’ve been confused about why I’ve been feeling that way.

I mean, my life is in a much better place than it was this time last year, and REALLY in a better place than it was two years ago. This is supposed to be my “Happily Ever After”, dammit. What do /I/ have to be stressed about?

Well, for starters, there have been a hell of a lot of changes for me in a short period of time. I was in a rocky relationship and had an ugly divorce. Now I’m trying to date someone new. I’ve moved from Tucson, a place I really liked. Now I’m in a holding pattern in New Mexico while I try to finish making my place habitable in Portland. And it’s taking a lot longer to accomplish that than I anticipated. I don’t put down roots easily and it’s difficult to know how many I should be putting down in Albuquerque.

I’ve started a new job that I really like. But there’s also a lot of pressure on me to perform. Not to mention, it’s been stressful just trying to hunt down the basic supplies I need to do my job. It seems like half were shipped to Portland and half to Tucson. I’m spending an insane amount of time on the phone trying to explain to people why they need to be re-sent to Albuquerque—from a phone with a Dallas area code.

I miss my friends. I miss my stuff, which is all stowed away in storage up in Portland. My life feels like a fragmented mess spread across four geographic locations. I’ve just been in a real funk.

I finally broke down a week ago and called my former-rockstar-groupie counselor, Chris, who I adore. Chris has been through some pretty spectacularly ugly times in her own life. (Chris ran with the Patti Boyd, Beatles, Eric Clapton, Rolling Stone crowd for about a decade of her life and has had two rocker husbands of her own before she cleaned up her act, went back to school, and got her masters.) I value her for both her wisdom and sense of humor.

Whatever drama I might be having in my life, odds are good she’s experienced it some point in her own—and with far more drama and Technicolor than my own.

Chris reminded me that if I were to look at my life on one of those “Life Event Stress” scales, I’m pretty close to being off the end of the chart… divorce, new relationship, new job, new house, (two) out-of-state moves, significant change in social activities/recreation, etc.

That explained the stress part to me, but not the deep emotional funk. Some of my mood could be related to stress. But this has felt a lot more like I’ve been sulking because I don’t have what I want/expected.

I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in “limbo” in New Mexico. This was not what I intended to be my new home. I want “limbo” to be over so I can get on with my visions for the next phase of my life. And that ain’t happening anywhere near on the schedule I would like.

Anyway, shortly after my call with Chris, I stumbled across the quote at the top of this entry, and the rest of the picture clicked into place. Life has definitely felt like one long storm for me over the last year or so, and I feel sorely overdue for some sunny weather.

However, all things considered, things really aren’t so bad. They’re just not what I anticipated. My current choices are to continue to stew in a moody funk until I get what I thought I was going to. Or I can look up and make an effort to appreciate what I do have.

As much as it may feel like it, this isn’t limbo. These are hours of my life. And my choice is whether I wish to spend them sulking or dancing.

Dancing sounds like a lot more fun.

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