RSS FeedOct 05 2008
Attack of the Lawn Ornaments
At the risk of some snarky comments from my best friend Wes, I’ll say that I’ve slept in some pretty strange places over the course of my life.
I’ve napped in the lowered sails of a 70 foot sailboat in the Bahamas. I’ve shared my bed with a very unhappy brown recluse spider. I’ve been in hotel rooms with multiple bullet holes in the bathroom door and a suspicious stain on the tile. But this is definitely the first time I’ve been in a hotel room that looks like it came straight out of a centerfold shoot for Ranger Rick. I kid you not.
I’m up in Portland to check on the status of the renovations on my house and to pick out colors for the new siding and roofing. Through my multiple forays back and forth to Portland this summer, I found a Quality Inn that’s two miles from the marina. That’s where I usually stay during the times I’m working from Oregon and dealing with the house.
Anyway, a new owner took over the place about two months ago. They’ve been redoing the rooms, which really needed some TLC. I’ve been in a couple of the remodeled rooms and, while somewhat bland, they’ve been fairly nice in terms of amenities.
This trip I had a bit of a shock. Instead of being on the ground floor, where I usually am, the desk clerk put me in one of the corner suites upstairs. So far so good. But my entire room is decorated to appear as though I’m in the middle of a forest manufactured by Disney.
There are clouds painted on the ceiling, pine boughs and tree trunks in every corner of the room, a bird’s nest tucked jauntily in the corner next to my lodgepole bed, and a picture of cranky-looking grizzly bear next to the desk. But the true highlight of the room has got to be the menagerie of lawn-ornament animals scattered with decorative abandon about the room. So far I’ve counted two deer, a raccoon, and a mallard duck who, for some inexplicable reason, is nesting in a heart-shaped basket woven of twigs.
I keep glancing over my shoulder expecting some demented version of Snow White to pop out of the shrubbery and offer me a freshly baked, Quality Inn cookie.
I have no idea how I’m going to manage to sleep here tonight. The only reason I haven’t run screaming from the room is that it also hosts the most spectacular Jacuzzi bathtub I’ve ever seen. This isn’t just a you-and-your-boyfriend-have-a-romantic-weekend-alone kind of tub. This is an invite-everyone-in-your-graduating-class-and-host-a-three-day-orgy kind of tub. (Don’t worry, Mom. I don’t know anyone in the area code who isn’t one of my contractors.)
Anyway, I intend to have a bubble-bath to end all bubble-baths tonight. After that, I’ll take my chances with the menagerie of woodland creatures. If worse comes to worse, I guess I can always sleep in the bathtub, right?
At the risk of some snarky comments from my best friend Wes, I’ll say that I’ve slept in some pretty strange places over the course of my life.
I’ve napped in the lowered sails of a 70 foot sailboat in the Bahamas. I’ve shared my bed with a very unhappy brown recluse spider. I’ve been in hotel rooms with multiple bullet holes in the bathroom door and a suspicious stain on the tile. But this is definitely the first time I’ve been in a hotel room that looks like it came straight out of a centerfold shoot for Ranger Rick. I kid you not.
I’m up in Portland to check on the status of the renovations on my house and to pick out colors for the new siding and roofing. Through my multiple forays back and forth to Portland this summer, I found a Quality Inn that’s two miles from the marina. That’s where I usually stay during the times I’m working from Oregon and dealing with the house.
Anyway, a new owner took over the place about two months ago. They’ve been redoing the rooms, which really needed some TLC. I’ve been in a couple of the remodeled rooms and, while somewhat bland, they’ve been fairly nice in terms of amenities.
This trip I had a bit of a shock. Instead of being on the ground floor, where I usually am, the desk clerk put me in one of the corner suites upstairs. So far so good. But my entire room is decorated to appear as though I’m in the middle of a forest manufactured by Disney.
There are clouds painted on the ceiling, pine boughs and tree trunks in every corner of the room, a bird’s nest tucked jauntily in the corner next to my lodgepole bed, and a picture of cranky-looking grizzly bear next to the desk. But the true highlight of the room has got to be the menagerie of lawn-ornament animals scattered with decorative abandon about the room. So far I’ve counted two deer, a raccoon, and a mallard duck who, for some inexplicable reason, is nesting in a heart-shaped basket woven of twigs.
I keep glancing over my shoulder expecting some demented version of Snow White to pop out of the shrubbery and offer me a freshly baked, Quality Inn cookie.
I have no idea how I’m going to manage to sleep here tonight. The only reason I haven’t run screaming from the room is that it also hosts the most spectacular Jacuzzi bathtub I’ve ever seen. This isn’t just a you-and-your-boyfriend-have-a-romantic-weekend-alone kind of tub. This is an invite-everyone-in-your-graduating-class-and-host-a-three-day-orgy kind of tub. (Don’t worry, Mom. I don’t know anyone in the area code who isn’t one of my contractors.)
Anyway, I intend to have a bubble-bath to end all bubble-baths tonight. After that, I’ll take my chances with the menagerie of woodland creatures. If worse comes to worse, I guess I can always sleep in the bathtub, right?
I love lawn ornaments, by I veer to the tacky side. I love Plastic Flamingos! I challenge the deer to a fight…