Aug 27 2009
Alright, so apologies for disappearing on ya’ll but it’s been a couple of really rough weeks. Several different areas of my life have been going less than ideally and things just hit a really nasty head.
For starters, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the interior renovations that remain to be done on my floating home. I’m frustrated with how little progress I’ve managed to make this summer and the fact I’m still living in the middle of a construction zone. I’m having a difficult time finding a healthy balance between work, working on the house, and actually managing to have some semblance of a life.
I’m also still mourning the end of my relationship with Charlie. And, for whatever reason, working on the house alone just serves to underscore those feelings. It takes me a long time to build new friendships and relationships and I don’t have much in the way of a support system yet in Portland, so I’m feeling quite sad and alone.
On top of that, work is not going well for me at present. I’n spite of working an insane number of hours for a large portion of the summer, my current manager is less than pleased with my performance. I just received my midyear review and it’s the first time in my professional career where I’ve received marks in some categories that were less than at least “Meets Expectations”. Unless I can turn something around soon, odds are I’m going to need to be looking for a new job. Right now I’m being micromanaged into the ground which I loathe. So I’m enormously stressed on the work front, as well.
So I was sitting up in Portland, miserable and unhappy, when I received a phone call that my friend Larry died suddenly of a heart attack. While not related by blood, Larry has been my de facto uncle since I moved to Arizona immediately after college. He was always there with a smile, a hug, and a strong back when it came to moving furniture when I reached the end of relationship. He was the person who always made sure I had somewhere to be on the holidays and got safely home to my own tent at camping events. And the thing was, he was that person for so many different people. More than 600 people showed up for his service, if you can imagine that.
Losing Larry underscored to me just how adrift my own life is currently feeling. How I chose to dealt with it was packing a suitcase, grabbing Rumi, and driving down to AZ for the funeral. I already had plans to be in AZ the last two weeks of the month, over my birthday, so I simply extended my trip.
I’m currently staying in my friend Jay’s guest room in Phoenix. I’ve been spending as much time in the company of friends as possible, meaning writing has been on the back burner. Odds are I’m going to stay through the first weekend in September and then head back up to Portland. I’m making arrangements, though, to probably winter in AZ once the weather turns ugly up north.
More on that when I figure it out myself. But I wanted to let you all know I hadn’t been taken by brigands. I’m just spending some time deep in thought about where I want to go from here.