RSS FeedAug 27 2009
Message in a Bottle
Alright, so apologies for disappearing on ya’ll but it’s been a couple of really rough weeks. Several different areas of my life have been going less than ideally and things just hit a really nasty head.
For starters, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the interior renovations that remain to be done on my floating home. I’m frustrated with how little progress I’ve managed to make this summer and the fact I’m still living in the middle of a construction zone. I’m having a difficult time finding a healthy balance between work, working on the house, and actually managing to have some semblance of a life.
I’m also still mourning the end of my relationship with Charlie. And, for whatever reason, working on the house alone just serves to underscore those feelings. It takes me a long time to build new friendships and relationships and I don’t have much in the way of a support system yet in Portland, so I’m feeling quite sad and alone.
On top of that, work is not going well for me at present. I’n spite of working an insane number of hours for a large portion of the summer, my current manager is less than pleased with my performance. I just received my midyear review and it’s the first time in my professional career where I’ve received marks in some categories that were less than at least “Meets Expectations”. Unless I can turn something around soon, odds are I’m going to need to be looking for a new job. Right now I’m being micromanaged into the ground which I loathe. So I’m enormously stressed on the work front, as well.
So I was sitting up in Portland, miserable and unhappy, when I received a phone call that my friend Larry died suddenly of a heart attack. While not related by blood, Larry has been my de facto uncle since I moved to Arizona immediately after college. He was always there with a smile, a hug, and a strong back when it came to moving furniture when I reached the end of relationship. He was the person who always made sure I had somewhere to be on the holidays and got safely home to my own tent at camping events. And the thing was, he was that person for so many different people. More than 600 people showed up for his service, if you can imagine that.
Losing Larry underscored to me just how adrift my own life is currently feeling. How I chose to dealt with it was packing a suitcase, grabbing Rumi, and driving down to AZ for the funeral. I already had plans to be in AZ the last two weeks of the month, over my birthday, so I simply extended my trip.
I’m currently staying in my friend Jay’s guest room in Phoenix. I’ve been spending as much time in the company of friends as possible, meaning writing has been on the back burner. Odds are I’m going to stay through the first weekend in September and then head back up to Portland. I’m making arrangements, though, to probably winter in AZ once the weather turns ugly up north.
More on that when I figure it out myself. But I wanted to let you all know I hadn’t been taken by brigands. I’m just spending some time deep in thought about where I want to go from here.
Alright, so apologies for disappearing on ya’ll but it’s been a couple of really rough weeks. Several different areas of my life have been going less than ideally and things just hit a really nasty head.
For starters, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the interior renovations that remain to be done on my floating home. I’m frustrated with how little progress I’ve managed to make this summer and the fact I’m still living in the middle of a construction zone. I’m having a difficult time finding a healthy balance between work, working on the house, and actually managing to have some semblance of a life.
I’m also still mourning the end of my relationship with Charlie. And, for whatever reason, working on the house alone just serves to underscore those feelings. It takes me a long time to build new friendships and relationships and I don’t have much in the way of a support system yet in Portland, so I’m feeling quite sad and alone.
On top of that, work is not going well for me at present. I’n spite of working an insane number of hours for a large portion of the summer, my current manager is less than pleased with my performance. I just received my midyear review and it’s the first time in my professional career where I’ve received marks in some categories that were less than at least “Meets Expectations”. Unless I can turn something around soon, odds are I’m going to need to be looking for a new job. Right now I’m being micromanaged into the ground which I loathe. So I’m enormously stressed on the work front, as well.
So I was sitting up in Portland, miserable and unhappy, when I received a phone call that my friend Larry died suddenly of a heart attack. While not related by blood, Larry has been my de facto uncle since I moved to Arizona immediately after college. He was always there with a smile, a hug, and a strong back when it came to moving furniture when I reached the end of relationship. He was the person who always made sure I had somewhere to be on the holidays and got safely home to my own tent at camping events. And the thing was, he was that person for so many different people. More than 600 people showed up for his service, if you can imagine that.
Losing Larry underscored to me just how adrift my own life is currently feeling. How I chose to dealt with it was packing a suitcase, grabbing Rumi, and driving down to AZ for the funeral. I already had plans to be in AZ the last two weeks of the month, over my birthday, so I simply extended my trip.
I’m currently staying in my friend Jay’s guest room in Phoenix. I’ve been spending as much time in the company of friends as possible, meaning writing has been on the back burner. Odds are I’m going to stay through the first weekend in September and then head back up to Portland. I’m making arrangements, though, to probably winter in AZ once the weather turns ugly up north.
More on that when I figure it out myself. But I wanted to let you all know I hadn’t been taken by brigands. I’m just spending some time deep in thought about where I want to go from here.
I’m sending good thoughts your way. I miss reading your posts, but I certainly understand how life can get in the way.
Take good care.
Thinking of you and understanding your turmoil…hang in there the best things of all come after times like these. They are the stuff of great movement and new journeys. They come when we are ready and only come when we have the strength. Be assertive, be vulnerable, and caregive yourself my friend….the greatest light comes from the deepest dark. Look back at what you have achieved, it is much. Look forward to the horizon, it is beautiful.
Stay strong my friend, stay strong.
I was about halfway through an email to you to send up a flare when I got this. I’ll finish it up, but by all means give a shout if you need anything.
Thanks for the update Steph, I’ve missed your personal posts about your life on your floating home and new things were hectic for you. I agree with Anne above to stay strong, things will work out for the best in the long run. My thoughts are with you and I hope you had a Happy Birthday today!
Steph – my thoughts are with you. Please call or email me if you need anything. Take care of yourself.
I’m sending positive thoughts your way…
Wow that really sucks! The cliche “when it rains it pours” comes to mind. Well, we are a virtual support system of sorts. Let us know if we can help in any way. Tammy really connected with you when she visited you and from her descriptions I can’t wait to meet you.
We hope you can heal and we also hope that the scars of recent events will make the happier times in your future that much more precious and savored. In solidarity, Logan.
Sorry to hear about the troubles Steph, I’d been wondering why you’d gone a bit quiet. I Hope you’ll find yourself in a better place soon, and that the things that cause difficulty now will seem less important in hindsight.
Sending you good thoughts and vibes across the miles,
J.
Wow. They say this stuff comes in threes, so maybe you’re done for a while. Sending way wizzy cool grooviness right at you, and I hope all works out, your chin lifts up, and you keep moving forward. I understand not having a support group, and like you, I got my first somewhat negative review at work this summer. I mean to say you aren’t alone, and I know and feel your pain since my separation and move to be done soon. I know you can do it, and all will be well soon. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes.
making a conscious decision is not a bad thing. take your time.
make use of your support people.
take care
Hey Steph, I’m sorry that you’ve been having so much difficulty. I understand completely and know how important it is to have a support system around you when dealing with so much loss. It sounds like Larry was a true Mensch. If you head home via the Bay area, you and Rumi are more than welcome to bunk here for a few days.
You’re never alone. Unseen forces are working on your behalf. Feel better soon.
I am so sorry.
I don’t have the eloquence, but I am sure you can imagine all the folks sending you their best thoughts and deep caring and hoping things will turn a corner soon as hell – and even all that sometimes can’t penetrate the pain & overwhelmingness of it all right now.
Take care and please accept what loving help is offered to you. Life is going to be exactly what it is, and you’ll be turning around and returning heartfelt favors with love, in time. Again, I am so damn sorry.
No need to apologize. Life can certainly get in the way of regular updates and I’m sure most everyone knows and understands.
I’m so sorry to hear about your difficulties. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
My thoughts are with you as well. I am in Phx; let me know if you need anything while here….office is at Van Buren and 5th St.
I dropped by your site to ask if it was OK for me to put your site as a reference on mine, from the time you & your friends wrote an article about me. Sorry to read of your unhappiness and yes, life in the 21st century is pretty difficult to manage with juggling around too many things. I have been living in a mess for over 2 years whilst building works go on. It is one of the most stressful things to happen to people and is very testing. I hope your beautiful cat brings you some comfort. Take care! Judith
I was missing reading about you tonight, checked and still find only your message in a bottle which has reached my heart twice now. Though you don’t know me, know I will pray you recover. I wish I could get out there w/hammer or brush or whatever you need. Please small house community, come through for this very nice person.
It’s times like this when we seriously reconsider our lives … how we live … where we are going … what do we really want from it all.
For myself, I’ve put out a lot of resumes … have a Masters Degree … and the only people who have expressed any interest are WalMart. Getting older sucks when it comes to employment. I’m building a tadpole trike while I re-consider.
Wish you all the best …